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  • Mark Jarvis

A Guide to Draft Twitter: 2019 Edition




Welcome to the one and only Draft Twitter! If you're familiar with the community at all, you'd know it's one of the most wretched hives of scum and villainy around. I'm only kidding, but you should know the basic to surviving in the chaotic realm of player evaluation. I'm going to walk you through all of the groups you'll encounter and what you should expect from them.


The Film Guy


All this guy does is grind tape. He hasn't been to his mother's Christmas dinner in three years after he wouldn't shut up about the nuances of arm slotting for quarterbacks. Some variations have a wife or children, but at this point in the story they've been out of the picture for a while. If you get really lucky sometimes you'll run into a guy as his wife is taking the kids. These divorcing film guys can be hard to spot at times, considering their entire social media profile (and life) is built around watching prospects, but if you look hard enough you'll see a noose in the reflection as they record their laptop screen.



The Highlight Guy


This guy wants to be the film guy, but he's too busy dealing with high school classes from 8 AM to 3 PM to be an actual film guy. Instead he boots up Youtube and Twitter late in the evening once he eats his peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner. He knows every player in the NCAA, and he knows their favorite color too. His depth of knowledge is as wide as the sea, but as deep as a puddle. That long snapper from Truman State with two HUDL highlights as a high school sophomore sure is fun to watch. Watch out for this guy, because he'll assert himself into every conversation you have about a prospect.



The Market Share Guy


Don't talk about wide receivers. If you do, this dude will kick down your door and fucking waterboard you. His proprietary math equation that never misses on a receiver is bulletproof. Forget about the fact he had Calvin Ridley as WR49 and James Washington WR1; their pro production differential is an anomaly. He passed his eleventh grade statistics class with a strong B, and you're going to submit to his knowledge.


Beware, some of these guys don't even watch football. If you run into one of these types, don't panic. Calmly move your cursor to the top right of your screen. You'll see a red X in the corner. Click it to remove yourself from the situation.



Player X Bandwagon Leader


Have you ever considered what you should put in your Twitter bio? Some information about yourself usually works. Your credentials, where people can find your content, stuff like that. Or you could fall so deeply in love with a prospect that it makes Romeo and Juliet look like a schoolyard crush. This guy knows you're his biggest fan, and if he doesn't know you'll tag him ten times a day in hopes of getting his attention. His own mother doesn't show the same amount of affection. His name is plastered all over your timeline, and you write about him every night in your diary.


It's okay, everyone has a crush at some point in their life. Mine was a skinny girl from Alabama when I was just starting puberty as a fifth grader. Yours could be a 6-foot-6, 270 pound man with abs made of stone. I'm not judging you. This is the 2019 edition.



The January Guy


This guy has two forms. The first form is the team edition January guy. These folks have earned their keep by giving mediocre analysis on one of thirty-two teams in the league. But what do they do when their team goes 6-10? Well, they spend their family's savings to go down to Mobile, AL. Once there they network with every other January guy about possible podcast appearances. Is your team playing mine next year? Want to come on and discuss how our rotational edge rusher is going to get his ass handed to him by your mid-level starting tackle? This is where the sausage is made for content creation.


The other edition of the January guy is the too old to give a shit guy. He has been watching prospects since 1994, and has attended the Senior Bowl every year since the Highlight guy was born. He's down there to get some fresh ocean air, have a few beers with the boys, and watch a few practices. You can find his work on a website with no functioning links, a 1999 design, and a big board from 2011.



The Former Player


This fella comes in two forms, just like the January guy. The first form is a former high school or D2 player who couldn't crack the starting lineup, but loved the camaraderie of occasionally catching a glimpse of someone's dick in the locker room. Nothing builds a bond between men like slapping each other on the ass, and this guy would give anything to have one more night under the lights with his boys. He's not particularly well-versed in any one area, but he can talk about some high school X's and O's. Oh, and he loves beer. A lot.


The second form of the former player is the former pro player. Much like the first form, he never cracked the starting lineup. His career was decisively mediocre, and he never took enough hits to lose his wits. He's great at breaking down the game from an schematic standpoint, but doesn't fit into any particular category of Twitter with his work.


If it's an offensive lineman, just disregard everything and follow for the best grilling techniques. What's a good rub to use? Check out this picture from his daily cookout. There's gotta be like fifteen steaks in this one. By the way, if you eat your steak well-done prepare for him to arrive at your door and drive block your ass through a wall.



The Combine Guy


All that silly shit about market share? Just take that guy and copy/paste him into combine testing. If a player runs in the 4.3s they're a top 15 player regardless of how awful they are at the game of football. Put up 40+ reps? You're the best lineman in the class. Don't even get me started on the vertical. This guy makes up for not watching any football by caring too much about the numbers that come out of Indy. Don't worry, he'll be gone in a week. He is off to create a new Madden franchise series on Youtube by late March.



Former NFL Scouting Director


He has never missed on a prospect. He has the all-22. His quarterback opinions are never wrong. Oh wait, he drafted Rex Grossman in the first round.


This guy knows Antonio Brown went in the sixth round because of character concerns, and he wouldn't have touched him because of those concerns. Sure, Brown has been one of the most productive receivers in NFL history, but he didn't show up for a game once. It was a smart move by the entire league to pass on Brown.



The Homer


This guy is worse than the bandwagon leader in many ways. Not only is he committed to loving a player, he'll threaten to kick your ass if you disagree. Your top 10 must include all 20 draft eligible players from his alma mater, or else he's in your mentions bitching. At the end of the day he's just a fan. A drunk one who will probably get arrested twice this year at his favorite bar, but a fan all the same.


NOTE TO SELF: Watch out for North Dakota State Twitter.



The Upstart


Ever want to see hopes and dreams fade out of someone in under a year's time? Watch for these guys. They start with about 15 followers (mostly porn bots) and try to latch on with their own unique twist to scouting. It's kind of like eating those mystery jelly beans that have become a fad. You've got the tasty cherry one, which can be compared to a writer digging in their heels until they get a paying job. But you've also got the jelly bean that tastes like cobwebs and diarrhea, which is the guy that uninstalls Twitter after a week.


The Irishman


Speaking of people who work their ass off until they're successful, how about the ten story fall back to reality afterwards? Sometimes you become an ESPN affiliate and strike it big, but then one night you just happen to treat American strangers like your Irish friends. Watch out upstarts, you don't want your drinks too stiff.


The Milkman



His dream job is delivering milk around the neighborhood, but he was born a couple generations too late. He used to drink five gallons of milk a week until a person with common sense worked him down to two gallons. Now he just writes analysis that gets picked apart by a merciless community of spiteful film guys. God speed, you magnificent bastard.



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I've been on Twitter for a couple years and I still don't know what the hell this guy's angle is. Is it chaos? Is it a revolution? All I see is grainy tape from games played in the 1970s and constant shitposting. Please people, I need to understand this madman's intentions. There has to be some form of plan behind this.



Now you're familiar with the players involved on the social media platform. It's up to you to decide which type of asshole you'll be, but don't forget your roots. At the end of the day you just want to talk some football and hopefully get paid for it eventually.














Lol nobody's paying you for that shit. Delete your account.

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